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 This way, please.
by Steve
In the past five years, I've flown about two hundred times. That makes me a frequent flyer, but not a Frrreeeqqueeenntt flyer. Thank god too, every time I come out of an airplane I feel like I've been marinating in a gym locker. (In effect, I have.) I have to shower as soon as is practical.
I flew the week before, and the week after, September 11. It was a trip how scared everyone was the week after; I was so the opposite. (It was really, if you think about it, the safest time to fly.) Security has changed tremendously in that period, but then, not really at all.
So in all those times I've traveled, I took on optimizing my path through Hartsfield (and various other airports) security as a sort of toy project. I actually calculate and time various routes, but I'm not keeping score, just trying to get a sense of what works and what doesn't. Now, I'm not talking about EVADING security; I'm talking about having things ready, and working with them, to get you through as fast as possible. It sucks, everyone knows it, now move along.
So here're my hints for not getting singled out by airport security for "special" treatment:
- NO METAL AT ALL. Careful choice of pants (US military issue BDUs are great, you can get them in black, blue, green, tan, or white, not to mention various rednecky shades of camo) and shoes (Doc Martens makes fantastic shoes anyway, but they also have no metal parts) will allow for forgotten earrings or a wedding band.
- Take off your belt. Yes, there's going to be enough metal in the buckle to give you grief.
- Check every pocket at least twice and put everything in one pocket of your luggage. I use the bag the laptop came in.
- Put your identification in your ticket jacket, and your ticket jacket in an easily-accessible (but not easily-pickable) pocket. I use a pants cargo pocket.
- Take the following steps upon getting to the conveyor belt:
- Open your laptop bag and remove the laptop.
- Put your cellphone, watch, keys and belt in the laptop bag.
- Take off your shoes if appropriate.
- Identification in front pocket.
- Boarding pass in hand.
- Get scanned for any genetic weaknesses. Juden go left. (Okay, not really, but sometimes it sure feels like that.)
- Say "thank you" to the security guards. Their job sucks. Thank them for doing it so you don't have to. Even if they're assholes to you.
- Do not make any jokes. Seriously.
And that's it!! Now go to the airport bar and get a drink which tastes lousy (because they don't carry your brand.)
Thanks! Enjoy watching your tax dollars at work!
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