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 The Chicken Parmesan Effect
by Patrick Clapp
You like chicken parmesan.
It's really tasty.
It's hard to screw up.
It's a guaranteed win.
And that's how your troubles begin.
It has happened to you, you just didn't know what it was called. In fact, it is entirely possible that Douglas Adams and John LLoyd have a name for it in their Meaning of Liff books. It's the Chicken Parmesan Effect.
Our scene is set at a restaurant picked for an evening of fine dining in the company of your peers, peeps, or family. The menus have been passed out, and the mind games have begun. You have people bemoaning their indecisiveness, and the inquisition making rounds; "What are you ordering? So, do you know what you want? Hey, what's good here?" You look over the menu and run right into the Chicken Parmesan Effect.
It begins as such: You like chicken parmesan. It's very good. Since it's basically a slab of breaded-fried-boneless chicken covered in melted cheese and red sauce, it is also rather difficult to screw up. Most places have incredibly tasty chicken parmesan. It is a guaranteed win. But this is a special occasion, right? You are out to eat. It may be the first time you are in this restaurant; in which case you feel obligated to try something special. It may be a restaurant you go to often; in which case you feel obligated to try something new. Both cases argue against ordering the chicken parmesan. But, you like the chicken parmesan. It's really tasty. It's hard to screw up. It's a guaranteed win. And two paths open up before you.
Path the first - You order something else. It has mushrooms in it, or is supposed to be a dish this restaurant is famous for serving. A peer/peep/family member orders the chicken parmesan. After all, it's really tasty, hard to screw up, and a guaranteed win. The meals arrive and the effect runs its course. It doesn't matter how good you think your meal is; the chicken parmesan is better. Just look at it; over there on your peer/peep/family member's plate. Moist chicken, lightly fried, topped with gooey cheese and a vibrant red sauce full of oregano highlights. It looks tasty. It looks like they didn't screw it up. It looks like a guaranteed win. And here you are with your fancy dish - the portions are too small, the sauce is watery, it came with vegetables. All of this suffering is your fault, because you didn't have the stones to order the chicken parmesan.
Path the Second - You order the chicken parmesan. When it arrives you are showered with compliments,
"Oh, that looks good."
"Shit, Shit, Shit. That is what I should have ordered. What a bastard. I hate him. Maybe he'll let me have a bite if I bat my eyes/let him have shotgun."
Throughout the meal you are periodically questioned on the quality of your meal.
"So, is it good?"
"I would have ordered that too, but this mushroom dish is a house specialty"
"I really like the chicken parm over at Blahdy-Blah's".
"You fucking son of a bitch, you better wipe that chicken-parmesan-eating grin off your face. God I hate mushrooms, what was I thinking."
The meal concludes and you have collected because you remembered your mantra and avoided the effect:
You like chicken parmesan.
It's really tasty.
It's hard to screw up.
It's a guaranteed win.
So, next time you are out, order the General Tso's Chicken, order the Red Curry, order the Fajitas, and for the sake of all that's holy, order the Chicken Parmesan. You like it, it's tasty, they won't screw it up, and everyone will hate you. And after all, that's what eating out is all about.
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