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 OVER. PLAYED. STYLES.
by Steve
"So listen up, 'aight?"
Ugh. Glad that one's dead.
"Whassaaaaaap!"
This one was fun for awhile but it, too, has thankfully come to a close.
"FUNNIEST. JOKE. EVER."
*clickclick* aim.....
The FIRST. TIME. EVER. that I saw this was in a note from my friend Candice. This isn't unusual; Candice is very hip. She lives at the heart of the universe (ie. Manhattan) and Federal law requires that all Manhattanites be the HIPPEST. PEOPLE. EVER. for their age group. So perhaps I got hip to this new emotive style before anyone else did. That was, oh, maybe eight months ago. I tell you, "Candice is mad hip to the phat stylez, yo." (bang. bang. dead.)
It then began showing up in the breathless exhortations of VARIOUS. CONNECTED. FRIENDS. with VARYING. HIPNESS. LEVELS. who wanted me to see a funny video or perhaps when discussing someone at a party. When Candice had said it, it sounded right. But almost all these other applications had that "misused" feel, that sense that they were declaring something the MOST. SUPERLATIVE. EVER. while knowing in their hearts it wasn't true, that something was merely REALLY. DAMN. COOL. It got UNDER. MY. SKIN. , you might say.
(Note: this style does not work well with commas.)
But let's be honest, this expression's NOT. THAT. INTERESTING. It has very limited utility. It's not a common occurence to declare something -- as emphatically as can possibly be conveyed digitally -- the MOST. SOMETHING. EVER. Ever is a long freakin' time, man. No human being should use this emphaticism more than once or twice in their lives, and certainly never to refer to themselves. To use it to sell trinkets is just the LOWEST. USE. POSSIBLE.
Well, of course, it had to happen. The LATEST. STYLING. EVER. started showing up in those sidebar ads on some of the sites I scan. "COOLEST. TSHIRT. EVER." was the one that caught my eye.
*steam*
- That's subjective! And The Regime has the coolest T-shirt IN. MY. HUMBLE. FUCKING. OPINION.
- Unless they're being literal, in which case it better have air conditioning to be the coolest t-shirt ever.
- I object to having the shirt worn by a rather buxom young lady with a "come hither and let me ruffle your hair" look on her face. I am not a piece of meat!
*sob* I am not a piece of meat.
Come to think of it, I have no idea what the shirt actually looked like. I don't think I noticed the breasts (much.) I don't recall the look on her face so well. But DAMN did I get cheesed off about the WORST. USE. EVER. of a style for CHEAP. MARKETING. PURPOSES. !
(Note: This style does not work well with exclamation points.)
So let's hope this style DISAPPEARS. VERY. SOON.
Thank you; continue with your regularly scheduled broadcast.
(ps. 'hip' is scheduled for termination sometime in 2006.)
Offer void where prohibited. Styles are heavily dependent upon the cool factor of the styler and management cannot be held responsible if you muck it up. Do not style when sober. Do not style if you are anal retentive or have a humor problem. Do not style if you wear absorptive undergarments. Pregnant women should consult their stylist for appropriate styles while packin'. Notice that the author did not conclude with "REGULARLY. SCHEDULED. BROADCAST." Goodnight.
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